I often wonder how I get myself into the situations that I do.
I wonder how everything that has happened in my life has led me to this exact moment right here.
I wonder how I got here, and I wonder where I am going.
I try to make sense of it all.
I find myself looking for answers in places and people and situations that have no answers for me.
It keeps me up at night.
I find myself looking, exacerbating through every crevice of my mind.
Why things work out the way they do.
How I’ve gotten myself to this point.
Where it’s leading me.
I often wonder if it’s all worth it.
I wonder if the time I spend trying to find answers helps me at all.
But I can’t stop.
It’s a constant introspection of my self.
My mind.
My body, my heart.
My soul, my ego.
There’s no off switch.
There isn't anything I can do or say or hear that makes me feel different about the way I wonder about life.
It’s like I’m constantly searching for relief in external things, when I know deep down, the only relief I can get is the feeling of relief that I can give to myself.
I think about all the things I have learned in life.
And all of the things I have forgotten.
I wonder if the things that stick with me are truly the only things I need to hold onto.
I wonder if, there is a reason for it all.
I wonder if someday it will all make sense to me.
This makes me think about the concept of time.
I think about how every day goes by and the sun rises and it sets and I’m still here.
Trying to make sense of it all.
Trying to make sense of the unknown.
And then suddenly, I realize how aware I am of it all.
I realize that it is all here.
Everything that has happened has already happened.
There is no going back.
There is no making sense of something that has already passed.
There is no changing the circumstances I have experienced.
There is no sense to be made of the things in the past that I cannot change.
Everything that has happened just is as it is and will be.
And that is enough for me for right now.
We wake up everyday and we do.
We learn.
We experience.
We laugh.
We love.
We have realizations that change the way we make future decisions.
We acknowledge the parts of ourself that are still growing, have grown, and will continue to grow out of.
We change.
We hope.
We dream.
We try to live life somewhere in between.
We express ourselves.
We cry
We contemplate.
But we always move forward.
We don’t give up.
We keep going.
We look back every once in a while and acknowledge where we came from.
Who we once were.
Who we use to spend our time with.
We hurt.
We cry.
We struggle.
We reflect.
We try our best even though it may not seem like it sometimes.
We are always trying our best.
And for the days that we cannot try at all, we are still trying.
Trying to be who we came here to be.
For us.
Not for anyone else, but for us.
We fear.
We remember.
We enjoy the things that come into our life, even if it’s only for a short period of time.
We forget.
We forgive.
We all move on eventually.
And maybe that’s just it. Maybe I am in love with what has been.
But maybe I am also in love with what is still yet to come.
Maybe, in the moment, I get so tied up with what is going on and how things are different than they once were, that I forget that I am living in this moment right here.
Right now.
I am living.
And that is the greatest gift of all.
My thoughts pour out of me like water onto the paper.
Sometimes I don’t even have time to think.
Sometimes I can’t even keep up with them.
They are all just sitting in my mind, waiting to be expressed.
Waiting to be acknowledged.
Waiting to be seen.
Waiting to be processed and integrated into a bigger part of me.
It’s a dance of life.
To experience so many emotions and feelings at once that you cannot make sense of it all in the moment.
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